I looked down on the man lying on my bed. Outside the rain was poring down and I was glad Green Eye was asleep. The last time it rained like this, my patient had seemed distressed… Heh, imagine that, me saying words like ‘distressed’... Must be Green Eye’s influence.
He hadn’t been able to get to sleep then, just kept tossing and turning. It seemed Green Eye didn’t like the rain. Today, I didn’t like the rain either, so I’d stay by Green Eye’s side.

Smiling at the irony of the situation I shook my head. Ten years. It had been exactly ten years and here I was, sitting on my bed that wasn’t mine anymore, but that of a green eyed stranger who, for all he knew, could be a mass murdered. Yeah, right, as if… Although with my luck you never know.
I’d honestly imagined this night different from this… There should be drinking. A lot of drinking… And some pretty sluts hanging around me while I drank. I’d choose one to go home with. No, scrap that and make it two… At least two. Yeah. I’d definitely need two to get trough this night!

And yet here I was, at the bed of some guy I barely even knew but had picked up somewhere in the forest all the same. Heh, imagine that, the amazing Sha Goyjo, Ladies Man to the bone, picking up a guy. I had to wonder what Jien would say of that. Not that Jien had anything to say in the matter… But still I couldn’t help but wonder sometimes. Like today. Specially like today.

“You don’t know what day it is, do you?” I asked the sleeping man on the bed. He didn’t stir. Of course he didn’t… Not after that stuff the doc pumped into him this midday.

“I don’t think he wanted to leave me, you know? It’s more like… Euhmn… He had too, I guess. He killed mom. And he was only 15 back then himself. He couldn’t stay. The people in the village respected her and he killed her over a filthy half-blood… I don’t think anyone would’a looked kindly on that. What do you think, hmm? Green Eye?”

I reached out to stroke Green eye’s bangs from his face, but pulled back just short of touching him. Didn’t want to wake him up. Poor guy had enough to deal with without my stupid problems or the rain to make it worse.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

“Heh, you probably think he’s a crab-ass brother for leaving a 9-year old alone… But you know, he really wasn’t… He used to take me with him all the time, just to get me away from mom… And when mom was in one of those moods he’d… He’d… Well, you know… He’d fuck her. That’s pretty fucked up, eh? A kid sleeping with his mom to protect his little brother. Shouldn’t be happening. I think he was only like, 12 or something, when that started. Right when he hit puberty… Then again, I don’t think I was exactly a virgin anymore by then. But hey, I’m as fucked up as he is, so whatever…”

I smiled and shook my head. “You wouldn’t know, would you? You with all your pretty manners and expensive words. I’ll bet you had an awesome life before this, parents who loved you, good school and maybe even a wife… Yeah, you’d be the type to have a wife… I’ll bet you didn’t even sleep around on her either. How decent of you…”

The smile on my lips got a little bitter as I thought about how I’d never get a wife… I mean, come on, who in her right mind would want to marry a screw up like me? And besides… I don’t think I’d even be able to get kids an’ stuff. That’s what the rumours say anyway. Maybe that’s a good thing. I’d make a horrible dad!

“You’d be perfect though,” I said to Green Eye, “I’ll bet you’d make a great dad! Your kid’s gonna love you when you get one… Your wife, too. Maybe when you feel better I’ll help you find her. Yeah, that’d be cool… That is, if you still wanna see me when you get better enough to realise what I am. You will, right?”
I was surprised to hear the hope in my own voice. Damn, I was far gone to think a guy like him could care for a piece of scum like me. Maybe alcohol wasn’t such a bad idea after all… I thought I still had a bottle of something around… But for that I had to get up and go to the other room and I didn’t want to leave Green Eye alone… What if he woke up and saw the rain and got distressed again? I couldn’t let that happen. Yeah.
So there I sat, on the edge of my own bed which I hadn’t been sleeping in for like two weeks by now.
Whatever, it wasn’t like I slept in it much before Green Eye.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

He looked so vulnerable… Like he would just break if I touched him too roughly. I wondered what’d happened to him to make him like this. Had been ever since that night. Hadn’t asked though, and he hadn’t volunteered.

Then again, he’d wanted to die. Something pretty bad must’ve happened to make him wanna die.
Damn but I knew that feeling. Wanting to die… I’d wanted to just die so often… When I was younger and people mocked me, shunned me, yelled at me or beat me up, I use’ to want to die all the time. Then I realized though. Fuck them. Fuck them all to hell. I was gonna live if only to spite all the stupid fuckers who wanted me death. Yeah. Fuck them.

“You’re different from them though, aren’t you Green Eye? You know… Somehow you know, whatever the fuck happened to you… You understand. I saw it in your eyes that time, you know? You understand…”
That realisation made me feel warm inside somehow. This guy really had understood. Had understood what it is to have the whole world against you and to never have anything go right. It’d been in his eyes.

“So maybe you won’t hate me then? I hope so… I’m really starting to like ya, even though you don’t say a word… And even if you do say stuff I barely understand half of it because of all the fancy shit you put in it, you’ll understand… Won’t you?”
Damn but those last words came out pathetic. I was behaving pathetic. But then again, maybe I had the right to act pathetic… Just the tiniest bit… Just tonight.

Damn… Ten fucking years. So long ago that mom… That Jien… Yeah, well.

“You get the point, don’t you Green Eye? You see, this day, this exactly day ten years ago she died. Died because of me. My fault. All of it. I could just as well have been the one to hold the axe… But no… It had to be Jien. So I ruined his life too… So maybe, just maybe, you know? It’s better that you don’t understand… Because everyone gets hurt. Everyone leaves. Everyone fucking leaves!”

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

“Can’t blame them for leaving though, can I now? Who’d want to be around someone as bloody as me? Child of taboo. Bad luck child. Piece of trash. Cheap whore. Bastard. Good for nothing. Nothing to stay around for, is there?”

I looked down on him. His face was pretty, more masculine than a women’s, very much male in fact, but still pretty. I’ll bet his wife loved him lots and lots. I’ll bet everyone did. And he seems like the type to love everyone back, too. Yeah… So would he love me? Heh, keep dreaming Goyjo.

Oh sure, people tried to help in the past… But it’s no use. I’m totally hopeless you see… It’s useless to try an’ change me or help me so eventually they left. One by one they left. Or kicked my outa their house, or stopped coming, or just ignored me. Whatever suited them best. All of them… And hell, who can blame ‘em? I’m trash and I know it. No one can mend what’s not there, after all.

There’s a dust in my eye. Has to be. No way am I crying. It’s been ten fucking years and this shit is old history. Nothing to cry about. Long forgotten, tears long spilled. Yeah. A dust in my eye, must be it. Definitely.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive

”So will you try, eh? Try to change me, to mend me, to make me whole? ‘Cause, you know, if you where gonna, I thought I’d just warn you up frond. ‘S not gonna work. I might be a messed up fucker with no morale and a whole lot of bad habits, and broken to the point where so many pieces are missing that ya’ can’t mend me, but I’m strong, you know? I survived... And one day I’m gonna face Jien and say; ‘Hey there, see me? I’m here, an’ I survived!’. That’s what I’m gonna say to him. And I’m gonna say it with my head up high. Yeah.”

I fell silent for a moment, just watching him lie there and say nothing.

“You know, you’re a good listener. You really are good at this stuff. Like, sorting people out and all. I mean, I know you don’t say much but... Yeah, you’re good at this anyway. You accept me, don’t you Green Eye? Because, you know, I saw you with your guts hanging out and death in that pretty green eye of yours, and I accept you, so you should accept me. An eye for an eye you know? Or equivalent exchange...Whatever you wanna call it. Hell, I really need to quit saying all that fancy shit. It doesn’t suit me!”

I looked down on him and could’ve sworn I saw a smile on his face. Like he was mocking me.

“Yeah, yeah, I know I’m pathetic... I know ok! I’m acting like a wimp... But, well...” I shrugged.
“You’re just so pretty and decent and so damn nice that I can’t help myself. But laugh all you want. I survived, you know? And so did you... So we’re two drops of Liquor in the same bottle and you better realise that, ok? I didn’t take care of your scrawny ass because you’re so damn pretty! You’d better know that and pay me back... But I guess then again, you already are right now. Paying me back I mean. By playing shrink and all. Yeah... You’re good at it, too! I think I already said that, didn’t I? Yeah, I know I’m pathetic... Damn but I know. Don’t need you to tell me that. I guess you’re right though, I should do something  about it eh? But the problem is... What? I mean, it’s not like I can be mended...”

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

“You’re welcome to try though… If that’d mean you’d stay with me? Damn but I’m pathetic. I guess I should’ve gone out after all… That’s way better than being in here with you losing my mind over you, Sleeping Beauty.”

“Heh, Sleeping Beauty… That fits you. ‘Cause… You know, you do little else but sleep, and then there’s the part where you’re damn beautiful as well. What do you say Green Eye? Or should I say Sleeping Beauty? Sounds pretty neat don’t you think? Well I think so! Heh, I don’t care you’re a guy, I mean, whatever man, you’re so pretty you could almost be a girl! I mean, ok, Green Eye suits you too but… Sleeping Beauty just sounds so damn fitting as well!”

“Ok, ok, don’t get your panties in a twist! Green Eye it is! Can’t you take a joke, eh? I mean, you must’ve heard it before, right? Like, from other people? They can’t have missed it! You’re so pretty I could kiss you… But, y’know, I don’t kiss guys! No matter how pretty they are. Just so you know… ‘Cause I’m straight! Definitely! Just saying… It would be something, ne? Childs of Taboo, street rat, man-slut and gay to the booth! No, I’m straight. Absolutely straight!”
Ok, so maybe I’d had sex with guys before… But it’s not like it’s something I enjoyed… How else is a little boy to make some money and survive on the street, eh? But whatever. It still doesn’t make me gay. I hated that! I hated it!

“You wouldn’t know about that, though, would you?”

This time I did reach out. I softly, carefully brushed the hair from his face. I swear I didn’t linger… At all. So maybe a little, but whatever… 

“I wouldn’t want you to know though… That’s something I’ll never tell you. Because, you know, it’s history and there’s no need for you to know. No need at all. No one ’ll ever know. I just won’t let them!”

Silence fell over the room as I stared at his face, unaware of my own tears until something wet hit my hand.

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

“That’s it, I need booze. A lot of booze. You’ll be alright for a second, right? Just lay there, sleep, ignore the window and the sounds on the roof and whatever you do, stay the hell a sleep, do we have an agreement? Good. Be right back,”.
 
I quickly fled to the other room, all the while frantically whipping my face with my sleeve.
The first thing I did was go to the sink and splash some water in my face. This was absurd. I was nineteen, damn it! Not nine anymore! What would Jien say if he saw me like this? He’d probably laugh… Laugh and tell me to shut the hell up, stop crying and get some booze.

Well, that was exactly what I was going to do. There, part one accomplished. Now about that booze…

I looked around the room. Where had he hidden it… I knew Green Eyes had cleaned up the house last time I was out. I guess he liked to do that. I also knew I still had a stack of bottles somewhere. Vodka, sake and some beer if memory served.

There, there it was, under the table in the corner. Who in their right mind would put booze under the table? Whatever.

I took the first gulp of sake even before I got back to the room, and let myself fall down on the bed once more while the second gulp was burning pleasantly in my throat. There, that was better.

“And I still say you’re more pretty than any man should be Green Eye, I swear!”

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am